4

Whenever anyone tells me to not care what people think, I'll say 'I won't' but how often are we able to put it to practice? It's hard to not feel judged 24/7. From the time you step out of your house till the hour you get back, I feel like I'm living for the people out there - living up to THEIR expectations. Primary and Secondary school years taught us a hell lot. One thing I'll never forget is that - in life there are backstabbers/betrayals. Be it one, or two or forty, you will definitely come across one asshole that will make your life miserable. And just because of that experience, you'll be more cautious of your actions because of all the gossip that has been circulating. I know they say 'If you have a clear conscious, you shouldn't be afraid', but isn't there that 1% of fear in your heart? I don't want to know what people say behind my back, least I feel that pain. But at the same time, I really have to learn to stop caring about what others are saying.

Hate all the teasing. Hate it every time someone says 'You don't talk, you aren't forever alone.' Oh hello, may I please emphasis on the fact that I am missing out that special someone in my life. I used to have someone, but things didn't work out. I tried to piece it back together but you refused to let it happen. Suddenly, two weeks later you started a conversation with me, I was so happy but you went ahead and ended it. Next thing I know you're ranting about me. Do you know how much I had to go through during that 'cold war' period? I plucked the courage to constantly start the conversation with you and even to keep it going, went out of the way to just spend a bus journey with you. Even though it was the quietest 1 hour bus ride, it was the best 1 hour after the break up. No, you didn't care. You didn't even bother to talk to me after that day and now you blame me and say you hate me? Not to make things worse, you are ignoring me. So much for sorting out stuff out and wanting to smile at each other when we meet in future. Now, we are just back to square 1 after the break up.

Used. I feel so used and I know it. I'm trying to resist myself and it's just so hard. After yesterday, things just took a downward turn straight to hell and I just feel like crying. When they asked me what am I going to do and all I wanted was to cry. But no, you don't deserve this. I'm sick and tired of being treated this way. Had this 1% hope that I might be the one to prove everyone else wrong but I failed. So upset and disappointed at myself for the thousandth time.

Not looking forward to school anymore. Not going to have happy mornings. So much for my life being great recently.

xx, debs.