24

Give me a good reason to believe in a thing called love. 

23

Christmas is coming and I'm feeling all 'christmas-y' while giving away lollipops to my good friends in school. Wish I had more to spare and spread the love all around! That sense of joy when you get a 'thank you' or a simple 'Merry Christmas to you too' wish back. Just wanna bask in sheer and blissful happiness everyday. 

It's a constant battle between the heart and the mind, everyday. Feeling fearful and yet at the same time, wanting to see you. "Why do I keep inflicting pain to oneself?" Is something I question myself all the time. 

No. 

I do not deserve to be hurt and neither do I deserve to be loved. 

xx 

"Every time you close a door, you open new ones, new dreams, new obstacles. And you are one door closer to meeting the one." 

I want to sing in an empty auditorium when I feel empty. 

22

21

I may have just made one of the biggest decisions in my life, but somehow I feel alright. I'm not crying or sobbing my heart out, but instead I'm feeling rather calm. (that's what happened a few months ago, then after days later I broke down and I felt like an emotional wreck) 

Been really sick of the criticism/mocking I get recently, even if they're from my closest friends. It seems fine to them to diss each other once in awhile, but I can't seem to forget them. I do hold my grudges really tightly and that's definitely one flaw I'd like to correct. 

I'm totally entrusting Daddy God with all my life's decisions right now and I'm very sure he'll take care of every one of them too.

I know I won't be able to find someone as loyal as you, someone who'd sacrifice all that just for me and someone who can withstand my pettiness, jealousy and stubbornness. 

But I'm not going to try. 

I'm going to lead my life confidently and independently from now on. I'm not going to do it because YOU doubted me but it has been on my mind for awhile back and I think with the help of Daddy God, I'll be a-ok. 

My biggest impact in my polytechnic life is now gone so fill up this empty heart o'lord.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Been busy with housework recently because the maid's no longer around, mum's getting old & everyone else is busy with school or work. But I really hate how I come home & mum greets me with a frown, or better yet - starts nagging at me at how tired she is doing the laundry & no one gives a damn. I think that my family's pretty reliant on the maid. 

It's time I grew up & starting doing/contributing something for this family. Not to mention the financial difficulties we're currently having. Going to lay off from my shopaholic addiction for now & maybe go back to work once in awhile in December during the holidays. 

Work load has been piling recently. It sucks how as the weeks pass, so does the amount of information that we're gathering in school (duh!) but SG needs to take it down a notch :( 

Well, the washing machine's beeping now & it's time to hang the clothes g'night all and have a great December! 

PS: Christmas is coming, definitely a day to look forward to :)

 Here's a little something I learnt recently! Thank you Kris for teaching me :) 

20

It's been long since I just updated my blog and I'm pretty down with all the things that have happened over the past few days and I'm about to crumble, any moment now.

After a week of rushing 4 assignments, I finally had one day of rest.

Didn't get a good sleep over the weekend and this week I've already had one skills test & one emceeing job. Coming up I have one performance, one super heavy assignment due (15-20 page long proposal due this Fri) as well as an audition which I am totally unprepared for.

All I get this week - people not playing their part in what they're supposed to do. Last minute changes. No response. Attitude. Irresponsible people crossing my path.

I'm not trying to say I'm not at fault at all. Yes I am, it's my fault for taking on too many commitments which I am unable to devote my time to.

But if you were in my shoes, wouldn't you crumble too?

How would you feel if I just went MIA on you? Disappeared and throw all the problems to you? Do you know how many people I have to answer to?

I don't even have time to catch up with people or have a good chat with my friends anymore.

I am clearly wasting my time blogging but I know for sure that I can't explain any of these to anyone without them correcting me, telling me it's what I clearly asked for and what not.

I really want to just be alone. I don't have time to talk to my family anymore because I am spending unnecessary time in school trying to clear up people's messes.

After this week - no more. I just want to live life for myself and not have to keep answering to people.

19

What is the purpose of my life on this earth? 

Only God knows.

As the days go by, one by one, I see my friends finding a talent or something that they're good at. People notice it and I feel envious.

I can't seem to inspire myself, much less anyone else. I don't have anything I'm good at. Unless you count being good at nothing is a talent, then I guess 'Hey I've found it!'

People always have that passion for the things they do, but I feel like the weakest link at everything I do. I can't seem to excel in whatever I do. Studies - no. CCA - no (twice in fact!)

I don't know why/what am I living for now. Trying to juggle two jobs, CCA, social life, love life - is really tiring and tedious. One by one, I feel like giving up on everything and live a life where you I can be invisible.

Forgive me for I've failed you.

xx, debs

18

Don't you feel that there are some days you just want to go into hiding and just throw all your cares & worries away for awhile and truly enjoy life? 

So I kinda disappeared from Whatsapp, Twitter & Facebook over the past few days & I apologize to those of you who were worried especially 'my family'. I'm fine :)

I've never had the feeling that I wanted to be alone before, but I guess this time it just hit me and I just wanted to stop communicating with the world and it felt good. I feel tired of telling people what's on my mind or how's life. Sometimes I feel like I bother people too much with my problems. But I'm still the same debbie, I didn't become an anti-social person over the week but I just feel better this way? Like I'm invisible? 

I just want to be less reliant on my phone or any electronic gadgets. Thankfully, I have work to keep me preoccupied & many activities for the remaining 2 weeks before school starts too! Been coping with two jobs over the holidays and I'd be proud to say that I'm FINALLY making full use of my time during the holidays. I used to just waste my time going out or watching TV shows on my laptop but now I seldom get to use my computer cos' by the time I get home, I'm either too sick or too tired to do anything. 

I'm not cash-strapped or anything but I feel obliged to help out with the finances in the family. With mum almost hitting retirement age, I realize that I too, should do my part to contribute to the biggest pillar of my life and my source of strength - my mum. I love you Mum & I don't want you to work so hard, I promise to help out with the family & study harder for your sake :) 

Also made a point to cut down on my alcohol intake as well as not go to a club until I'm fully matured because I know there are dangers lurking out there and I want to stay as 'danger-free' as I can. Or at least till I'm ready to handle all my problems. Never thought this day would come since I had always been waiting for the day to turn 18 so that I can hit the clubs, but now I just feel that I'm not ready for it. 

Finally went to church after 2 weeks and I'd say - it never felt better to be back in the Lord's presence. My babies in church seem to be growing and my arms are aching after carrying my little angel's! Josiah's face literally lit up when he saw me and ran from afar with arms wide open :) It feels good to be around kids and I can't wait to have my own little kiddos!! OH and not to mention, I'm going to be an aunt (again!) Korkor Darren & Mel are having a baby!! :) I pray for a healthy baby as well as a smooth delivery for Jiejie Mel! 

School's starting in 2 weeks time and I'm going to make it a point to do better this sem! Or at least hit a 3.5 for my next sem's GPA. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". 

xx, debs