43

Cry yourself to bed every night
Hoping to feel alright

42

I'm waiting ....

41

"Ben, can you get me ice cream?" 

"Why?" "Are you sad?" 

"Yes." 

"I'll get you a tub before I get back." 

40

Finally went to satisfy my enormous craving for sushi with Kirby at Nihon Mura @ Tampines Swimming Complex. After the whole 2 hours of feasting on sashimi platters one after the other, I am proud to say that I no longer crave for them, in fact I might even stay away from them for awhile now.

Caught 'Ghost Child' to kill time and to test our 'wuss' level and yup we're definitely at puppy stage or below that. We peeked from our fingers, tried to block out the sound effects by covering our ears and didn't even buy popcorn - least we end up spilling it in case we get a shock. 

Conclusion: We're never going to watch another horror film, ever. 

Headed to IKEA afterward, not with the intention to queue for the 10 apiece meatballs but instead to pretend like we were in the show - '500 days of summer' and treat all the furniture like our home. I prefer vintage, white wood, pretty kinds of furniture while he has the liking for black, grey, stainless steel kind of interior. Pretended to brush our teeth in the toilets, hand each other clothes (they were on display) and cook in the kitchen, but I had to do the dishes.... 

Such a fun-filled day and I'm already looking forward to the other plans we have in future with you xx 

Trying to mimic Karen & Kaisen's snake image which they took at Sentosa! 

39

Amen. 

38

When bees flit from flower to flower the nectar sticks to their legs. The phrase "bee's knees" means sweet and good, because the knees of the bees are where the sweet and good stuff are collected.

You bought me coffee? You're the bee's knees! 

37

Day by day, I get put down by people and yet people wonder "why girls feel so insecure? why are they so sensitive?" Well, that's where I think you should fucking stop, open your god damn eyes and realize that it started with you and your judgments.

I wish it's so easy to say 'screw you and your stupid comment' but I take it to heart and I assure you I'll never forget it.

So fucking hurt that my own friends are the ones that can like or comment on the picture, oh thanks for sharing it too by the way. Well go on, damage every ounce of little self-esteem I ever had.

36

My life is a roller coaster ride, constantly filled with ups and downs.

Each and every time I feel happy, something bad is bound to happen. It's like a devil, creeping at the corner waiting for the perfect time when I'd least expect it and bam, life decides to troll me.

Hate this feeling of animosity between friends. Hate how I'd chose to avoid it like a scaredy cat I am rather than to face it. It feels almost natural to shun the problem and just hide in my shell. I know it's not the logical thing to do but I am completely stripped of any ounce of confidence I have after what you said, the honest truth.

And so, now I just feel worthless. I don't even feel worth your forgiveness or a second chance. It's not ego or pride, but it just hurts so extremely bad when it comes from a close friend.

I don't blame anyone but myself.

It's time I start to be dependent and less reliant on friends for acceptance, comfort and happiness. Set my priorities straight and hope to be a better person in future.

Soul-searching begins once the clock hits 11.30 tomorrow, where I am freed from all my worries about examination and I can focus on changing my flaws.

35

As corny as this sounds, spending time with you makes me happy :)

34

Say hello to the World's Cuddliest Bear - Sarpi :)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone

xx, debs 

33

A daisy, in general, symbolizes innocence and gentleness. 

A white daisy symbolizes common love. 

"In Victorian times, young, heartbroken women who wished to be loved began a custom using the daisy. A young maiden would pluck a daisy's petals, one by one, and sing, "He loves me, he loves me not," as she pulled each petal. The last petal plucked would be the future of her relationship. This custom is still in use today."

32

Never felt so upset in school for such a long time, so I left this horrendous place hurriedly in hopes that I could escape from this awful feeling. Prayed on the way out and doubted God for giving me such a shitty day, so I asked him to 'make my day a better one please'.

As I boarded 15, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned, it was my unicorn buddy - Zul. In an instant, he asked me what was wrong and out came pouring lil miss merlion but he didn't freak out (or maybe he just wasn't showing it haha) and he kept trying to make me smile, which I did eventually! That would probably be my most memorable bus journey that was only 3 bus stops long! Thank you Zul :)

After Zul alighted, Natsy called me. It was all timed so well, the moment one leaves, another angel appears to keep me comforted. Again, she knew something was wrong and somehow like Daddy God already planned it, both she & I were on our way to Pasir Ris. Perfect! We met, we spoke and we ate together until I cheered up.

Now, I feel so grateful for today. For without it, I wouldn't have gotten to see this beautiful side of my friends, friends who mean the world to me now. That's why I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, be it a bad or good thing, you will eventually learn some life lesson from it and just in that instant, your eyes open up wider and let you see how clear life is, and what's it about.

Thank you God, for you will never fail me. I love you Daddy!

xx, debs

31

30

xx, 

debs 

29

Hey look it's my Doppelgänger!  

The joy of being able to represent my school feels me with glee. I never thought in a million years, I'd be up there - where I'd use to dream of such an opportunity. 

Thank you Albert, if it weren't for you, my mum would have one less thing to be proud of her daughter. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well, it's one more day till Phuket and I'm all psyched here ^^ Even though I'm definitely going to miss my friends, BUT, I'll only be gone for 5 days. So excited to go crazy and shop over there wheeeeee~ So many presents to buy & shower my friends with love since it's the season of giving! 

Oh and I managed to secure my position for my internship next year (for 6 months) with the company called Blugrapes! They've been really sweet to let me rearrange my interview date when I'm back from my trip :) God is really good, I believe he'll put me at the right place at the right time. Love you Dad :) 

That's all for now, until 21st dec! 

xx, debs 

28

It's two days until my short vacation to Phuket. My trip will last until 21st dec, which is also the day that the world is going to end. Last time, I'd be very worried about spending 5 days without you but now, I'm finally looking forward to it and nothing is bothering me at the back of my head. 

It feels good. Even though I'm lonesome, I feel free. I feel liberated. 

A week ago, Pastor said something that really struck me & it felt like the Lord was talking to me. He said 'do not let your happiness be determined by a person'. Suddenly, warmth filled me & instantly a smile slipped out of this broken heart of mine. 

I feel it mending, by spending quality time with myself and knowing that I am still living. Empty but not giving up. 

Can't wait for Phuket to getaway, be un-contactable for 5 days (not like anyone wants to contact me anyways!) and just be completely carefree.  

Goodnight & this is such a useless post but at least I'm feeling slightly happier today :) 

27

I guess I never really explained properly why cheerleading brought me more bad memories instead of good ones.

Let's start with the good ones:


I met him. My first proper relationship. I wouldn't say the previous ones were just for fun, but they were stepping stones to help me make the right decisions in future.


Well, the bad ones:


For the first year of my Polytechnic life, my self-esteem and confidence level took a deep plunge downhill. I was deemed as 'fat' / 'heavy' in the team. I was always the last to get picked, to be given a shot. No one wanted to do stunts with me and soon I was demoted from a flyer, to a base.

Female bases, they would call us. We had to train our thigh and arm muscles. Squats. Frog jumps.

While we stared at the lighter ones flyer and soaring in the air, jumping for joy when they completed the stunt. That instant glow, that smile that shone so brightly across their face. I yearned for it. I just wanted a second of that joy.

Days passed and everyone that I was paired up to base with, left. Everyone wanted to be a flyer. So did I.

When I was the last one left, I asked the coach 'Can I train to be a flyer now since I don't have a partner?' 'Okay' was his reply and I was delighted.

I thought this could be the end of my misery. A turning point in my days of being a cheerleader. The light at the end of the tunnel.

But nothing changed. I felt left out, once again.

I was far behind all the other girls. The last in fact. I had to catch up with them, but I was never invited by the coach or by the IC's for DIY sessions. DIY sessions are sessions outside of training periods, where the better few are invited by DIY IC's to train up their skills and perform better during training time.

I always yearned from that text to feel included. To not feel forgotten.

Depression took over and I dragged myself to go for CCA. Hated tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays but yet I kept going on because I had this quote constantly replaying in my mind -

Just when you're about to give up, think about why you held on so long in the first place.

That kept me going. You guys would argue and say that I lack passion for the sport. Yes I did, but that huge burning campfire turned into a single candle flame in due time.

I became obsess with my weight. No fast food. Cut down soft drinks. No chips/snacks. Exercise 1-2x a week aside from normal CCA (3x a week) Cut down on my food intake.

I felt weak and hungry all the time.

While others enjoy their McSpicy or their 2-piece meal from KFC, I'd head over to the coffee shop and order chicken rice and not eat the skin & fats.

While others drank oreo ice blended bubble tea with pearl, I had lychee red tea less sugar no pearls.

You wouldn't think it's a big deal to you, but for a glutton like me, it was a challenge.

I started my cheerleading life weighing at 56kg, at a height of 168cm.

Tried my very best to lose all that weight so that I could be below the 50kg mark, but I never made it.

In fact, here are a few 'prices' I paid:

Gastric problems. Training starts at 6pm, I don't eat after 5pm as I don't want to risk any puke-fiest or any nausea feeling. Dinner is always after 10pm, sometimes even at 11pm when training ends late. Because of my irregular meal timings, my stomach suffered. The acid (or gastric juices) corroded the walls of my stomach so badly, to a point I have difficulty breathing which leads me to take shorter and quicker breaths, instead of our normal deep, long breaths.

Constant bruises. My mother realized that I always had blue-blacks around my body, arms, waist, knees and that caused a lot of worry for her. Honestly, put yourself in her shoes - If you being a mother, sees your child covered in blue-blacks, wouldn't you feel worried & advice her to stop whatever that was the cause of it?

Finally, concussion. On the day of Nationals, I had the worst fall ever. I fell once in a 1.5m drain on my  spine in primary school but thankfully nothing serious. But this will be one incident I'll never forget.

I was doing stunts with him, oh what a dream. To do stunts with your loved one on the day of Nationals, taking pictures on the cheer mats. I don't blame anyone but myself, up till this day. I'm incapable of doing such stunts without proper footwear, and I lack the skills, weigh a ton so there's no one to blame but oneself. I fell on my head, towards the right about 2.5-3m high. No one caught me and I had direct impact to the right side of my head. Immediate black out and I couldn't hear my surroundings. I was left with my sense of touch and I could feel someone grabbing me up and holding onto me to sit up right. I was limp and my hearing was faint. I could hear someone yelling behind 'Why didn't you catch her? You were standing there right?' 'Open your eyes debbie, don't close them.' It was a real challenge in fact, opening my eyes never felt so difficult and I felt so weak, like my energy was completely drained out from my body. Someone scooped me up (him) and headed for the doctor's at White Sands (opp where we were). On the way there, I realized my vision was a bit different. There were lights streaming at the side of my eyes, sometimes even a patch of lights.

The doctor's were closed so he called his father & they sent me to a 24-hour clinic nearby their place. Doctor asked me to head to the hospital for a future check-up and that was when I finally broke down.

Questions like 'How will my mother react? What will be wrong with me? Why can't I remember the date? (I loss my memory for awhile there, but how could it be when I knew the date for Nationals so clearly!)' were running through my mind and I was filled with worry and immense pain in my head.

The doctor at the Raffles Hospital said I was physically fine but he wasn't too sure if the impact did any damage to my head & urged me to go for a MRI/CT scan - which cost $800 (exclusive of doctor's fee, extra charges, medicine etc...) I had to call my mum to update her.

She yelled over the phone and asked me to come home. She didn't care if I was fine or not, but I was given clear instructions to return home immediately. I cried all the way back and she refused to talk to me until the next day.

Cried myself to bed, cried because every time I closed my eyes, flashbacks keep playing and nightmares never seem to end and I was in trauma.

I didn't leave my room, I hated the sun and noises. I wore shades & carried an umbrella when I went out because the sun would give me a headache. I hated people talking because they sounded so loud and I wanted to cry because for the next whole week I was haunted by cheerleading.

I was sent for treatment with my doctor and I went for 4 sessions, half an hour each time which cost $360 in total. ($360 = 2hours) until he fixed my concussion.

However, until now I still experience nightmares occasionally and memories just start replaying when I go to the sports complex or when I meet any of them. I am free from concussion but the trauma still remains.

He & I didn't last because there was just too much to handle. How could I be happy with someone who constantly brings me bad memories of my cheerleading history? We constantly tried to work it out but avoiding the past isn't going to make the future better when it'd always be there, like a scar.


I'm sure at one point or another, you guys said 'Debbie's not worth it. Why should you quit something you love (cheerleading) for her? She doesn't care about your happiness.' But stop and think, where were you guys when I needed some comfort and care? To tell me that I will pull through? That every thing will be ok? Or did you even know I had a fall? All this time in cheer, what I wanted was acceptance, to feel like a team. But I finally know - that is something I'd never get, even though I'd put my all in this sport.

I am not seeking a pity party but before you start judging me, I just want you to hear my side of the story first.

26

"Tell me a lie" 

"I don't love you"

25

I want to speak to you but I'm going to forbid myself. Social media tempts me so much, I feel like deleting everything away.

Yet, I'm not strong enough to delete our albums. So (in case) you'd want to look at them, they're still there.

Because one day, when I'm brave - I'll finally decide to move on and when that day comes, I don't want anything stopping me in my way.

Your life isn't miserable. You have friends you can trust, if you open up to them. You have a talent, which is good cos' clearly I haven't found mine yet. Thus, you have something to fall back on, something that you love doing.

Whereas, me on the other hand - is a lost, wandering soul, still finding which way to go about in life. Unsure of all the paths ahead in future. Will this be something I find success in? Or will it be something I fail (again) in?

Once again, so many questions left unanswered.

24

Give me a good reason to believe in a thing called love.