Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
29
Hey look it's my Doppelgänger!
The joy of being able to represent my school feels me with glee. I never thought in a million years, I'd be up there - where I'd use to dream of such an opportunity.
Thank you Albert, if it weren't for you, my mum would have one less thing to be proud of her daughter.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well, it's one more day till Phuket and I'm all psyched here ^^ Even though I'm definitely going to miss my friends, BUT, I'll only be gone for 5 days. So excited to go crazy and shop over there wheeeeee~ So many presents to buy & shower my friends with love since it's the season of giving!
Oh and I managed to secure my position for my internship next year (for 6 months) with the company called Blugrapes! They've been really sweet to let me rearrange my interview date when I'm back from my trip :) God is really good, I believe he'll put me at the right place at the right time. Love you Dad :)
That's all for now, until 21st dec!
xx, debs
Friday, December 14, 2012
28
It's two days until my short vacation to Phuket. My trip will last until 21st dec, which is also the day that the world is going to end. Last time, I'd be very worried about spending 5 days without you but now, I'm finally looking forward to it and nothing is bothering me at the back of my head.
It feels good. Even though I'm lonesome, I feel free. I feel liberated.
A week ago, Pastor said something that really struck me & it felt like the Lord was talking to me. He said 'do not let your happiness be determined by a person'. Suddenly, warmth filled me & instantly a smile slipped out of this broken heart of mine.
I feel it mending, by spending quality time with myself and knowing that I am still living. Empty but not giving up.
Can't wait for Phuket to getaway, be un-contactable for 5 days (not like anyone wants to contact me anyways!) and just be completely carefree.
Goodnight & this is such a useless post but at least I'm feeling slightly happier today :)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
27
I guess I never really explained properly why cheerleading brought me more bad memories instead of good ones.
Let's start with the good ones:
I met him. My first proper relationship. I wouldn't say the previous ones were just for fun, but they were stepping stones to help me make the right decisions in future.
Well, the bad ones:
For the first year of my Polytechnic life, my self-esteem and confidence level took a deep plunge downhill. I was deemed as 'fat' / 'heavy' in the team. I was always the last to get picked, to be given a shot. No one wanted to do stunts with me and soon I was demoted from a flyer, to a base.
Female bases, they would call us. We had to train our thigh and arm muscles. Squats. Frog jumps.
While we stared at the lighter ones flyer and soaring in the air, jumping for joy when they completed the stunt. That instant glow, that smile that shone so brightly across their face. I yearned for it. I just wanted a second of that joy.
Days passed and everyone that I was paired up to base with, left. Everyone wanted to be a flyer. So did I.
When I was the last one left, I asked the coach 'Can I train to be a flyer now since I don't have a partner?' 'Okay' was his reply and I was delighted.
I thought this could be the end of my misery. A turning point in my days of being a cheerleader. The light at the end of the tunnel.
But nothing changed. I felt left out, once again.
I was far behind all the other girls. The last in fact. I had to catch up with them, but I was never invited by the coach or by the IC's for DIY sessions. DIY sessions are sessions outside of training periods, where the better few are invited by DIY IC's to train up their skills and perform better during training time.
I always yearned from that text to feel included. To not feel forgotten.
Depression took over and I dragged myself to go for CCA. Hated tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays but yet I kept going on because I had this quote constantly replaying in my mind -
Just when you're about to give up, think about why you held on so long in the first place.
That kept me going. You guys would argue and say that I lack passion for the sport. Yes I did, but that huge burning campfire turned into a single candle flame in due time.
I became obsess with my weight. No fast food. Cut down soft drinks. No chips/snacks. Exercise 1-2x a week aside from normal CCA (3x a week) Cut down on my food intake.
I felt weak and hungry all the time.
While others enjoy their McSpicy or their 2-piece meal from KFC, I'd head over to the coffee shop and order chicken rice and not eat the skin & fats.
While others drank oreo ice blended bubble tea with pearl, I had lychee red tea less sugar no pearls.
You wouldn't think it's a big deal to you, but for a glutton like me, it was a challenge.
I started my cheerleading life weighing at 56kg, at a height of 168cm.
Tried my very best to lose all that weight so that I could be below the 50kg mark, but I never made it.
In fact, here are a few 'prices' I paid:
Gastric problems. Training starts at 6pm, I don't eat after 5pm as I don't want to risk any puke-fiest or any nausea feeling. Dinner is always after 10pm, sometimes even at 11pm when training ends late. Because of my irregular meal timings, my stomach suffered. The acid (or gastric juices) corroded the walls of my stomach so badly, to a point I have difficulty breathing which leads me to take shorter and quicker breaths, instead of our normal deep, long breaths.
Constant bruises. My mother realized that I always had blue-blacks around my body, arms, waist, knees and that caused a lot of worry for her. Honestly, put yourself in her shoes - If you being a mother, sees your child covered in blue-blacks, wouldn't you feel worried & advice her to stop whatever that was the cause of it?
Finally, concussion. On the day of Nationals, I had the worst fall ever. I fell once in a 1.5m drain on my spine in primary school but thankfully nothing serious. But this will be one incident I'll never forget.
I was doing stunts with him, oh what a dream. To do stunts with your loved one on the day of Nationals, taking pictures on the cheer mats. I don't blame anyone but myself, up till this day. I'm incapable of doing such stunts without proper footwear, and I lack the skills, weigh a ton so there's no one to blame but oneself. I fell on my head, towards the right about 2.5-3m high. No one caught me and I had direct impact to the right side of my head. Immediate black out and I couldn't hear my surroundings. I was left with my sense of touch and I could feel someone grabbing me up and holding onto me to sit up right. I was limp and my hearing was faint. I could hear someone yelling behind 'Why didn't you catch her? You were standing there right?' 'Open your eyes debbie, don't close them.' It was a real challenge in fact, opening my eyes never felt so difficult and I felt so weak, like my energy was completely drained out from my body. Someone scooped me up (him) and headed for the doctor's at White Sands (opp where we were). On the way there, I realized my vision was a bit different. There were lights streaming at the side of my eyes, sometimes even a patch of lights.
The doctor's were closed so he called his father & they sent me to a 24-hour clinic nearby their place. Doctor asked me to head to the hospital for a future check-up and that was when I finally broke down.
Questions like 'How will my mother react? What will be wrong with me? Why can't I remember the date? (I loss my memory for awhile there, but how could it be when I knew the date for Nationals so clearly!)' were running through my mind and I was filled with worry and immense pain in my head.
The doctor at the Raffles Hospital said I was physically fine but he wasn't too sure if the impact did any damage to my head & urged me to go for a MRI/CT scan - which cost $800 (exclusive of doctor's fee, extra charges, medicine etc...) I had to call my mum to update her.
She yelled over the phone and asked me to come home. She didn't care if I was fine or not, but I was given clear instructions to return home immediately. I cried all the way back and she refused to talk to me until the next day.
Cried myself to bed, cried because every time I closed my eyes, flashbacks keep playing and nightmares never seem to end and I was in trauma.
I didn't leave my room, I hated the sun and noises. I wore shades & carried an umbrella when I went out because the sun would give me a headache. I hated people talking because they sounded so loud and I wanted to cry because for the next whole week I was haunted by cheerleading.
I was sent for treatment with my doctor and I went for 4 sessions, half an hour each time which cost $360 in total. ($360 = 2hours) until he fixed my concussion.
However, until now I still experience nightmares occasionally and memories just start replaying when I go to the sports complex or when I meet any of them. I am free from concussion but the trauma still remains.
He & I didn't last because there was just too much to handle. How could I be happy with someone who constantly brings me bad memories of my cheerleading history? We constantly tried to work it out but avoiding the past isn't going to make the future better when it'd always be there, like a scar.
I'm sure at one point or another, you guys said 'Debbie's not worth it. Why should you quit something you love (cheerleading) for her? She doesn't care about your happiness.' But stop and think, where were you guys when I needed some comfort and care? To tell me that I will pull through? That every thing will be ok? Or did you even know I had a fall? All this time in cheer, what I wanted was acceptance, to feel like a team. But I finally know - that is something I'd never get, even though I'd put my all in this sport.
I am not seeking a pity party but before you start judging me, I just want you to hear my side of the story first.
Let's start with the good ones:
I met him. My first proper relationship. I wouldn't say the previous ones were just for fun, but they were stepping stones to help me make the right decisions in future.
Well, the bad ones:
For the first year of my Polytechnic life, my self-esteem and confidence level took a deep plunge downhill. I was deemed as 'fat' / 'heavy' in the team. I was always the last to get picked, to be given a shot. No one wanted to do stunts with me and soon I was demoted from a flyer, to a base.
Female bases, they would call us. We had to train our thigh and arm muscles. Squats. Frog jumps.
While we stared at the lighter ones flyer and soaring in the air, jumping for joy when they completed the stunt. That instant glow, that smile that shone so brightly across their face. I yearned for it. I just wanted a second of that joy.
Days passed and everyone that I was paired up to base with, left. Everyone wanted to be a flyer. So did I.
When I was the last one left, I asked the coach 'Can I train to be a flyer now since I don't have a partner?' 'Okay' was his reply and I was delighted.
I thought this could be the end of my misery. A turning point in my days of being a cheerleader. The light at the end of the tunnel.
But nothing changed. I felt left out, once again.
I was far behind all the other girls. The last in fact. I had to catch up with them, but I was never invited by the coach or by the IC's for DIY sessions. DIY sessions are sessions outside of training periods, where the better few are invited by DIY IC's to train up their skills and perform better during training time.
I always yearned from that text to feel included. To not feel forgotten.
Depression took over and I dragged myself to go for CCA. Hated tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays but yet I kept going on because I had this quote constantly replaying in my mind -
Just when you're about to give up, think about why you held on so long in the first place.
That kept me going. You guys would argue and say that I lack passion for the sport. Yes I did, but that huge burning campfire turned into a single candle flame in due time.
I became obsess with my weight. No fast food. Cut down soft drinks. No chips/snacks. Exercise 1-2x a week aside from normal CCA (3x a week) Cut down on my food intake.
I felt weak and hungry all the time.
While others enjoy their McSpicy or their 2-piece meal from KFC, I'd head over to the coffee shop and order chicken rice and not eat the skin & fats.
While others drank oreo ice blended bubble tea with pearl, I had lychee red tea less sugar no pearls.
You wouldn't think it's a big deal to you, but for a glutton like me, it was a challenge.
I started my cheerleading life weighing at 56kg, at a height of 168cm.
Tried my very best to lose all that weight so that I could be below the 50kg mark, but I never made it.
In fact, here are a few 'prices' I paid:
Gastric problems. Training starts at 6pm, I don't eat after 5pm as I don't want to risk any puke-fiest or any nausea feeling. Dinner is always after 10pm, sometimes even at 11pm when training ends late. Because of my irregular meal timings, my stomach suffered. The acid (or gastric juices) corroded the walls of my stomach so badly, to a point I have difficulty breathing which leads me to take shorter and quicker breaths, instead of our normal deep, long breaths.
Constant bruises. My mother realized that I always had blue-blacks around my body, arms, waist, knees and that caused a lot of worry for her. Honestly, put yourself in her shoes - If you being a mother, sees your child covered in blue-blacks, wouldn't you feel worried & advice her to stop whatever that was the cause of it?
Finally, concussion. On the day of Nationals, I had the worst fall ever. I fell once in a 1.5m drain on my spine in primary school but thankfully nothing serious. But this will be one incident I'll never forget.
I was doing stunts with him, oh what a dream. To do stunts with your loved one on the day of Nationals, taking pictures on the cheer mats. I don't blame anyone but myself, up till this day. I'm incapable of doing such stunts without proper footwear, and I lack the skills, weigh a ton so there's no one to blame but oneself. I fell on my head, towards the right about 2.5-3m high. No one caught me and I had direct impact to the right side of my head. Immediate black out and I couldn't hear my surroundings. I was left with my sense of touch and I could feel someone grabbing me up and holding onto me to sit up right. I was limp and my hearing was faint. I could hear someone yelling behind 'Why didn't you catch her? You were standing there right?' 'Open your eyes debbie, don't close them.' It was a real challenge in fact, opening my eyes never felt so difficult and I felt so weak, like my energy was completely drained out from my body. Someone scooped me up (him) and headed for the doctor's at White Sands (opp where we were). On the way there, I realized my vision was a bit different. There were lights streaming at the side of my eyes, sometimes even a patch of lights.
The doctor's were closed so he called his father & they sent me to a 24-hour clinic nearby their place. Doctor asked me to head to the hospital for a future check-up and that was when I finally broke down.
Questions like 'How will my mother react? What will be wrong with me? Why can't I remember the date? (I loss my memory for awhile there, but how could it be when I knew the date for Nationals so clearly!)' were running through my mind and I was filled with worry and immense pain in my head.
The doctor at the Raffles Hospital said I was physically fine but he wasn't too sure if the impact did any damage to my head & urged me to go for a MRI/CT scan - which cost $800 (exclusive of doctor's fee, extra charges, medicine etc...) I had to call my mum to update her.
She yelled over the phone and asked me to come home. She didn't care if I was fine or not, but I was given clear instructions to return home immediately. I cried all the way back and she refused to talk to me until the next day.
Cried myself to bed, cried because every time I closed my eyes, flashbacks keep playing and nightmares never seem to end and I was in trauma.
I didn't leave my room, I hated the sun and noises. I wore shades & carried an umbrella when I went out because the sun would give me a headache. I hated people talking because they sounded so loud and I wanted to cry because for the next whole week I was haunted by cheerleading.
I was sent for treatment with my doctor and I went for 4 sessions, half an hour each time which cost $360 in total. ($360 = 2hours) until he fixed my concussion.
However, until now I still experience nightmares occasionally and memories just start replaying when I go to the sports complex or when I meet any of them. I am free from concussion but the trauma still remains.
He & I didn't last because there was just too much to handle. How could I be happy with someone who constantly brings me bad memories of my cheerleading history? We constantly tried to work it out but avoiding the past isn't going to make the future better when it'd always be there, like a scar.
I'm sure at one point or another, you guys said 'Debbie's not worth it. Why should you quit something you love (cheerleading) for her? She doesn't care about your happiness.' But stop and think, where were you guys when I needed some comfort and care? To tell me that I will pull through? That every thing will be ok? Or did you even know I had a fall? All this time in cheer, what I wanted was acceptance, to feel like a team. But I finally know - that is something I'd never get, even though I'd put my all in this sport.
I am not seeking a pity party but before you start judging me, I just want you to hear my side of the story first.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
25
I want to speak to you but I'm going to forbid myself. Social media tempts me so much, I feel like deleting everything away.
Yet, I'm not strong enough to delete our albums. So (in case) you'd want to look at them, they're still there.
Because one day, when I'm brave - I'll finally decide to move on and when that day comes, I don't want anything stopping me in my way.
Your life isn't miserable. You have friends you can trust, if you open up to them. You have a talent, which is good cos' clearly I haven't found mine yet. Thus, you have something to fall back on, something that you love doing.
Whereas, me on the other hand - is a lost, wandering soul, still finding which way to go about in life. Unsure of all the paths ahead in future. Will this be something I find success in? Or will it be something I fail (again) in?
Once again, so many questions left unanswered.
Yet, I'm not strong enough to delete our albums. So (in case) you'd want to look at them, they're still there.
Because one day, when I'm brave - I'll finally decide to move on and when that day comes, I don't want anything stopping me in my way.
Your life isn't miserable. You have friends you can trust, if you open up to them. You have a talent, which is good cos' clearly I haven't found mine yet. Thus, you have something to fall back on, something that you love doing.
Whereas, me on the other hand - is a lost, wandering soul, still finding which way to go about in life. Unsure of all the paths ahead in future. Will this be something I find success in? Or will it be something I fail (again) in?
Once again, so many questions left unanswered.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
23
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Christmas is coming and I'm feeling all 'christmas-y' while giving away lollipops to my good friends in school. Wish I had more to spare and spread the love all around! That sense of joy when you get a 'thank you' or a simple 'Merry Christmas to you too' wish back. Just wanna bask in sheer and blissful happiness everyday.
It's a constant battle between the heart and the mind, everyday. Feeling fearful and yet at the same time, wanting to see you. "Why do I keep inflicting pain to oneself?" Is something I question myself all the time.
No.
I do not deserve to be hurt and neither do I deserve to be loved.
xx
"Every time you close a door, you open new ones, new dreams, new obstacles. And you are one door closer to meeting the one."
I want to sing in an empty auditorium when I feel empty.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
21
I may have just made one of the biggest decisions in my life, but somehow I feel alright. I'm not crying or sobbing my heart out, but instead I'm feeling rather calm. (that's what happened a few months ago, then after days later I broke down and I felt like an emotional wreck)
Been really sick of the criticism/mocking I get recently, even if they're from my closest friends. It seems fine to them to diss each other once in awhile, but I can't seem to forget them. I do hold my grudges really tightly and that's definitely one flaw I'd like to correct.
I'm totally entrusting Daddy God with all my life's decisions right now and I'm very sure he'll take care of every one of them too.
I know I won't be able to find someone as loyal as you, someone who'd sacrifice all that just for me and someone who can withstand my pettiness, jealousy and stubbornness.
But I'm not going to try.
I'm going to lead my life confidently and independently from now on. I'm not going to do it because YOU doubted me but it has been on my mind for awhile back and I think with the help of Daddy God, I'll be a-ok.
My biggest impact in my polytechnic life is now gone so fill up this empty heart o'lord.
Been really sick of the criticism/mocking I get recently, even if they're from my closest friends. It seems fine to them to diss each other once in awhile, but I can't seem to forget them. I do hold my grudges really tightly and that's definitely one flaw I'd like to correct.
I'm totally entrusting Daddy God with all my life's decisions right now and I'm very sure he'll take care of every one of them too.
I know I won't be able to find someone as loyal as you, someone who'd sacrifice all that just for me and someone who can withstand my pettiness, jealousy and stubbornness.
But I'm not going to try.
I'm going to lead my life confidently and independently from now on. I'm not going to do it because YOU doubted me but it has been on my mind for awhile back and I think with the help of Daddy God, I'll be a-ok.
My biggest impact in my polytechnic life is now gone so fill up this empty heart o'lord.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Been busy with housework recently because the maid's no longer around, mum's getting old & everyone else is busy with school or work. But I really hate how I come home & mum greets me with a frown, or better yet - starts nagging at me at how tired she is doing the laundry & no one gives a damn. I think that my family's pretty reliant on the maid.
It's time I grew up & starting doing/contributing something for this family. Not to mention the financial difficulties we're currently having. Going to lay off from my shopaholic addiction for now & maybe go back to work once in awhile in December during the holidays.
Work load has been piling recently. It sucks how as the weeks pass, so does the amount of information that we're gathering in school (duh!) but SG needs to take it down a notch :(
Well, the washing machine's beeping now & it's time to hang the clothes g'night all and have a great December!
PS: Christmas is coming, definitely a day to look forward to :)
Here's a little something I learnt recently! Thank you Kris for teaching me :)
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